Successfully
Empowering Male Survivors of Sexual Victimization to Thrive
a guest post by Howard
Fradkin, Ph.D.
Male survivors face special challenges to achieve mental health, and the good
news is it is possible and achievable to overcome these challenges and help
them not only survive and heal, but to actually thrive. As a
Psychologist, we have an incredible opportunity to be agents of change for
these men and those who love and support them.
One in 6 men has been sexually victimized by the age of 16, according to social
science research (
www.jimhopper.com) One
in 8 rape victims is a man. These statistics represent an epidemic of
silence that has the potential to severely damage the lives of boys and
men who do not get help. We've all heard about the recent scandals:
Jerry Sandusky, the Catholic Church, the Boy Scouts, even Sesame Street.
It seems once a week our local papers have yet another article about the
crimes being committed against boys and girls. But often, by virtue of
language, "abused children" does not translate to boys in many
people's minds; they think about the girls. Without minimizing the
horrendous crimes done to 1 in 4 girls, we must as a society wake up to the
huge numbers of boys and men who are also being victimized.
Typically, male survivors face many mental health challenges, including
depression and suicidality, anxiety disorders, damaged self esteem, impaired
ability to embrace masculinity, difficulty with trust and forming intimate
relationships, and engaging in addictive behaviors including alcoholism,
substance abuse, sex addiction and gambling. Many of these illnesses are
rooted in the deep shame that male survivors bury deep inside their souls,
fearful for anyone to know the truth of what was done to them.
Survivors of course are even fearful of telling us! And truthfully, many
of them do not even know about their own abuse, or have suppressed so deeply in
their bodies, minds and souls, that they are not able to connect the dots
between their current dysfunction and the betrayal of their bodies years, maybe
even decades before.
Treatment is now readily available in many communities thanks to the training
efforts of MaleSurvivor.org and 1in6.org, and our own Ohio Psychological
Association. MaleSurvivor and 1in6 are very important resources for any
of your clients who do identify as survivors. They host extensive
websites that offer chatrooms, bulletin boards, articles, bookstores, and
access to support groups and psychotherapists who can all provide help.
Have
you received specific training in working with male survivors? There are
significant differences, including the most important: your recognition
that men can indeed be survivors of sexual abuse. I am amazed at how many
male survivors I have worked with who have been to therapy for years, but were
never asked the right questions that might have led them to uncover their
shameful secrets of being abused. True, some of them were not ready to
talk, but I am convinced that many of them were giving lots of signs to their
therapists about their histories, but because the right questions were not
asked, they chose not to walk down that path either.
Men are especially vulnerable to male socialization which teaches many
destructive messages that must be unlearned in order to heal. The most
significant of these messages are: Men must be strong and tough; men who ask
for help are weak; men should always be in control and if they are abused,
it is a sign of their weakness. Thankfully, in our profession, we are
skilled at helping men who seek therapy learn how to honor their courage and
strength in seeking help for their problems. Men need a great deal of
reassurance that it is okay to talk about abuse, and that you will not judge
them. Too often, men are afraid they will hear from their therapist that
they should have been stronger, or should have told someone instead of hiding
and burying the secret. And some are afraid they'll be labeled as
perpetrators, or presumed they will become perpetrators simply because they
were victimized.
I believe that healing is a process of learning to be disloyal to dysfunction
and loyal to functionality. Each of these damaging dysfunctional messages
must be challenged, not just intellectually, but emotionally and physically as
well. Men can be helped to be loyal to functional messages such as:
it is a sign of strength for a man to courageously face the truth of his
abuse; men who ask for help will become stronger and more effective and more
loving; men can recognize they have zero responsibility for the abuse done
to them and that the shame of these actions belongs to the perpetrator who hurt
them. Too often, survivors feel loyal to the perpetrator, and hold on
their shame instead of finding ways to release it. Men can learn to stop
choosing to be loyal to dysfunctional ways of coping, such as alcoholism, drug
addiction and sex addiction. They need our support, and they need the
support of other male survivors and loved ones to help them overcome their
blocks to functionality.
If you work with male clients, think about the real possibility that 1 in 6 of
these men are survivors. How many are we missing?
Male survivors need to hear a message of hope. I for
one believe it is ethical and responsible to tell survivors they can survive,
they can heal, and yes, they can thrive. Men need to hear this message of
hope. Too often I think therapists are so cautious that the message male
survivors hear instead is, this is a life sentence... it will get better, but
you will always suffer from the effects of your abuse. I am not
suggesting we be Polyanna, and tell them it is easy and simple to heal.
Far from it...it is a journey, one with lots of bumps in the road; and
many brothers and sisters who will identify, who will offer help, and who
really will understand. I hope you will join forces with me and be a
beacon of hope for the 1 in 6 men abused as children and the 1 in 8 adult rape
victims who is a man.
Howard Fradkin, Ph.D., LICDC has counseled over 1000 male survivors in
individual, couples, group psychotherapy and weekend workshops over the course
of his 30-year career as a Psychologist. As Co-Chairperson of the
MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery, (
www.malesurvivor.org)
he has co-directed 40 Weekends of Recovery since 2001 for over 880 men. Dr.
Fradkin has also trained hundreds of professional colleagues. Dr. Fradkin’s
first book,
Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive, was
recently published by Hay House in November, 2012. He is the Co-Founder
of Affirmations: A Center for Psychotherapy and Growth, in Columbus.
Even still, average stress levels in the Midwest exceed what people living in the region define as a healthy level of stress (4.7 average stress level vs. 3.3 healthy stress level on a 10-point scale).
